If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???