For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
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Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
This is a sub tweet
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
The struggle is real.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
HERE’S MARKY
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?