For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
How do you like your Corgi?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
There is no “we” in pizza
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency