For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Breaking news:
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.