Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Strangers have the best candy.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
A French press is when you hug naked
The legends speak of a third Duran…
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline