For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
You Might Also Like
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.