@advicefromphil

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

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@jamdugg

*in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…

Me: *dies*

@vornietom

The classiest Minion is called a Filet Minion please fave and RT

@ddsmidt

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

@truegritrumble

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

@StewieTea2

I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now

@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

@Reverend_Scott

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

@AmnesiaRose

Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.