For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

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*in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…

Me: *dies*


The classiest Minion is called a Filet Minion please fave and RT


If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.


“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”



I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now


A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”


Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac


Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.