For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
When you let grandma cat sit
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.