For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.