My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”
we all know who started this Dominos & Papa Johns beef
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
This is so accurate 😂
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?