@AnthonyM334

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

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@just1fool

My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.

@Holy_Mowgli

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

@StellaRtwot

I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”

@TrevWall

we all know who started this Dominos & Papa Johns beef

@1_swarthy_dude

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

@JediGigi

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

@Michael_Erhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

@beccafacexo

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?