For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,