@SondraDeeMe

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

You Might Also Like

@KateWhineHall

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

@ThaJawn

Give me that! You’re going to hurt yourself!

*takes toy
*hurts self with toy

4: Hahahaha

@UncleDuke1969

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

@ArfMeasures

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

@DadBeard

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

@IamEveryDayPpl

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

@MrSpoonicorn

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

@caithuls

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs