I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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Give me that! You’re going to hurt yourself!
*hurts self with toy
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“can i dim the lights
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie