Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
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“Hi there. So what do you do?”
“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”
Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead