@MeatyPunk

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

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@DannyZuker

Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.

@jamdugg

*Speed dating*

“Hi there. So what do you do?”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”

@finkelsteino

Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.

@TuffyNyC

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

@GreenishDuck

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

@flashember

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

@SamuelHLowe

– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.

@DothTheDoth

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

@Home_Halfway

When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead