Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”