@ceejoyner

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

You Might Also Like

@Holidayze

Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous

@ThatAdamKid

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

@drinksmcgee

Trainer: I don’t think you’re taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*

@sixfootcandy

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

@foodfacenow

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

@AlanTheWriter

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

@Darlainky

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

@Leslie_Annie

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”