@ceejoyner

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

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@aveuaskew

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

@HMittelmark

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

@aligarchy

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

@Reba_aa

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

@McGrumpenstein

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

@everygirI

boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago

@HatfieldAnne

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

@BlindChow

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

@DanMentos

*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”

@PaperWash

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad