Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Trainer: I don’t think you’re taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”