For the baby who has everything

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Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ??’? ???? ????


5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?



ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I’m only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet


Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*


Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.


If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.


I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.


(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.


I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter


Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You’re welcome.