For the hoe on the go

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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach


I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed


If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.


“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors


Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip


My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.


If you love someone, set them free. If they cry and refuse to leave the bathroom you’re in, they’re your kids.