For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!