@MotherJonestown

For the last time… I’m not depressed.

This is just how I eat.

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@ArfMeasures

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

@GrantTanaka

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

@sensual_dad

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

@UnFitz

I remember when things only cost an arm.

@RyanKeith15

Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.

@GashleyMadison

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

@LaLuchaNix

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?