Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
For the last time… I’m not depressed.
This is just how I eat.
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[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Get your flu shot. Get your cold stabbed.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down
“You’re free,” I whisper.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?