[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
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This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]