For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
San Francisco has too many rules
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache