For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
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I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock