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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case