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Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates