Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
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Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.