@robfromonline
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
@TuckerFly1
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
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@robfromonline
@AbbieEvansXO
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
@CruelMeiga
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
@ArfMeasures
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
@Rollmaninoz
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
@TeeJayRush
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
@cosminaut
I’m pretty big on body art
*pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo of a hoof with “Hoof-arted” written underneath*
@jonnysun
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
@FeelsLike2sday
I was born to be wild, but only until around 9:30
@fightgeek
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy