For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

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me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why



doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t


BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN


WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit


*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir


It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…


I’m pretty big on body art
*pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo of a hoof with “Hoof-arted” written underneath*


welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice


them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy