For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.