For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.