[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
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[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.