@better_off_dad

For the record, laughter does absolutely nothing to help diarrhea.

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@TheTweetOfGod

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

@AndyAsAdjective

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

@gisexllee

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

@Tmoney68

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

@JasonLastname

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

@squirrel74wkgn

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS