For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I’d hang this in my house.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you