For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.

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Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.


“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”


Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*


I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.


I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.


me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them


Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit


Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.


There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.