Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
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After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
when dads have a rap battle
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off