For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
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It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Green is just blue that someone peed in
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.