For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.