@crunchenhanced

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

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@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”

@alfageeek

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

@copymama

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

@boring_as_heck

You’re a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.

@hazelmotes1

When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.

@Home_Halfway

I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.

@SeanEmeny

My reaction to Kit Kat prices: $1 good deal. $1.25 ok. $1.50 whoa. $1.75 what are we at the OPERA?!

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

@internetluke

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*