Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
How funny!
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
ok this is my dumbest yet
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.