My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
i actually laughed 😩
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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