For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
You Might Also Like
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Anyone want a chair?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Blew out my flip flop…
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.