For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
goldfish mafia
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Life’s too short to have your shit together.