For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
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Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Oddly specific
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.