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glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.