For when Tinder doesn’t work

You Might Also Like


When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.


When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.


There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.


me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no


scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*


apparently, Twilight is “so popular” because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.


me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana


My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.