@brycoo

For when Tinder doesn’t work

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@chris_isloi

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

@Darlainky

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

@Mardigroan

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

@mrjohndarby

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

@ClichedOut

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

@VN_Ruben

apparently, Twilight is “so popular” because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.

@PaperWash

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

@daddydoubts

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.