I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
called in thicc to work this morning
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Meanwhile in Portland…
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.