I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
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quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”