Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?