I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Catering service
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash