For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
May have had one breakfast too many
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.