“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant