Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me trying to look natural in photos
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
me opening up to someone
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*