@behindyourback

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

You Might Also Like

@librarianfonz

An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:

1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride

@EtobicokeErnie

Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

@Jandalize

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

@ProdigyNelson

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

@EndhooS

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

@AndrewChamings

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

@HenpeckedHal

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

@markedly

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

@wittwitbarista

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.