for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
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me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.