My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
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The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.