For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.