Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?