@SureYouDo1

For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.

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@drayzze

Distance sucks

Unless you don’t like each other

Then it’s pretty okay

@kill_hat

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

@AndreyasAsylum

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

@Vodkantots

Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that’s been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.

@ImSoFrancis

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

@KeetPotato

technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs

@Tommytoughstuff

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

@Lisabug74

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

@PopSlapFunk

*Arrives to save damsel in distress*

Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”

Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”

Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”

@KyleMcDowell86

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*