Unless you don’t like each other
Then it’s pretty okay
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.
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My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that’s been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
*Arrives to save damsel in distress*
Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”
Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*