Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
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Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I know
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.