For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.
You Might Also Like
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me: I want McDonald’s
Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Mom: I want grandkids
Me: Do you have grandkids money??
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Teens: I was an idiot when I was a kid
20s: I was an idiot when I was a teen
30s: I was an idiot in my 20s
33: if only there was a pattern
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!