For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.

You Might Also Like


Distance sucks

Unless you don’t like each other

Then it’s pretty okay


My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.


I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.


Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that’s been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.


Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*


technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs


*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”


Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.


*Arrives to save damsel in distress*

Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”

Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”

Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”


*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*