@SureYouDo1

For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.

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@marknorm

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

@Part_Time_Poet_

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

@RandomAntics

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

@TheBoydP

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

@So504real

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

@UniqueDude2

Teens: I was an idiot when I was a kid
20s: I was an idiot when I was a teen
30s: I was an idiot in my 20s
33: if only there was a pattern

@bobvulfov

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

@AmishPornStar1

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!