For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.